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Ten Bits of Advice from God

Druids do not look to scientists or priests (or any small human intelligence) to follow as if they were all-knowing and all-wise.  Druids look to nature herself.

I think the God of Moses was trying to tell us the same thing.  Mr. I AM is not bit on long-winded explanations. He wants you to figure it out for yourself because that is the only way you are going to get smarter.  The verb “I AM” alludes to simple, pure Existence.  And one does well to have a look at existence in all its forms to see what is the best thing to do.  In other words, follow the order of the cosmos, Nature.

I was pondering the ten commandments the other day and thought: You know all of these things are just practical advice as to how to avoid making yourself and others unhappy, how to avoid getting hurt or hurting those others — family, friends, business associates, customers, neighbors — upon whom one’s happiness depends.  If you violate any of the ten commandments, you risk very likely alienating those people upon whom your whole well-being and livelihood depends, and the loneliness or even material destitution that can result from that is Hell — deprivation and torture.

Researching on Wikipedia, I found that the King James version of the “commandments” messed about with the original Jewish version, which were actually called the ten “statements” or “sayings.”  The numbering has also been done different ways and the Talmudic way seems more sensible to me.

Following the Talmudic numbering, I re-worded them this way:


I AM the Lord, that guy who did all the cool miracles through Moses. I AM = Absolute Being, Pure Existence.  If you trust that, you will be delivered out of whatever bondage you’ve gotten yourself into.


It’s an abstraction, for the love of god! so don’t be an idiot and start making statues and worshipping them insead of Pure Existence.  Don’t think that any human being, including yourself, is all-knowing or all-powerful (i.e., don’t create false gods and by the way don’t try to make me into one either!).  And if you forget that Existence itself and its nature is where your faith and hope belongs, god help you.  If you start imagining that dumb little things like kings, political power, money, sex, sports, your iPhone, or Star Trek are the thing to worship, you are not only going to screw up your life, but probably pass on your stupid beliefs to your children and grandchildren and great-grand children and — well you get the idea, I hope.  Don’t personify Nature unless you can keep it in perspective and think abstractly too.


When you’re down and troubled and you need some loving care, and nothing is going right, close your eyes and think of me, and soon I will be there to brighten up even your darkest night. You just call out my name and you know wherever I am I’ll come running to see you again. Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall, all you have to do is call and I’ll be there. You’ve got a friend.  So, stop with calling out my name when you don’t need help!  OMG! Do you think I don’t have enough to do that I should come running every time you just get excited?  Sheesh!  And for god’s sake, stop damning people.  You don’t have the power to damn people and you are just making  yourself look stupid.



Take a day off once a week.  How about Saturday, or Sunday?  You pick.  Take two.  Rest and take some time to think about your Existence and what you are making out of it.  All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  And give everybody else a day off too, even your cattle.


Respect and love your father and mother because even when you are grown up, you never know when they might be the only people you have to turn to. (i.e., don’t bite the hand that feeds you).  This can prolong your lifespan.


Never, ever kill.  It is never a real solution to your problems and will get you shunned by society faster than about anything. Plus it is likely to shorten your own life.  Plus it is really selfish and cowardly.  Don’t kill yourself even.  Life is part of Existence.  It isn’t up to you to destroy it.  You are not smart enough.  Mosquitos you can kill, but don’t go overboard with the insecticides.  Somebody eats those bugs and you are fully capable of screwing up your own food chain.  So, best idea is just do not kill anything.  Keep your hands to yourself.  Calamine lotion helps.


Don’t fuck around.  It just never works out the way you want it to and makes you and everyone else unhappy later.  Trust me, I know.  Get married, make a commitment to someone you like, and can trust with your life’s happiness, and then stick to it!  If you don’t, you might just find yourself alienated by everyone else in your life, and then dumped by your ex-lover and feel incredibly stupid and miserable and feel like killing yourself (but see No. 6).  Worse, nobody will trust you, and that’s trouble.  And you almost never can rebuild bridges you’ve burned behind you.  If you don’t believe me, look at Zeus and all the trouble he caused with his skirt-chasing.  Get a hobby.  Build model ships or something.


Don’t steal other peoples stuff.  It makes them mad and if people find out, they will never trust you again as long as you live.  Get a job, save your money, buy it at the store.  You probably don’t need it anyway.  If you need food or shelter, go to your friends and family for help, if you haven’t already alienated them from killing people or screwing around (see No. 6 and 7).  Oh, and remember No. 3:  This would be a good time to call me.  But not if you just want a giant plasma TV like your neighbor’s.


Do not lie. Especially don’t tell lies about your neighbors out of spite.  Why not?  I’ll tell you why not.  Because, when everyone finds out that you are a liar, you are going to get yourself shunned again and become a paraiah.  Nobody likes a liar any more than a murderer.  Nobody likes a fanatic either, which is just another kind of pig-headed lying.  If you believe your own lies, you are really in trouble.  Call me.  I’ll slap you upside the head.


And another thing.  Stealing will get you shunned, but sitting around coveting your neighbor’s house, or wife, or ox, or ass, or servants, or car, or TV, or iPod — this will all just eat away at you until you violate one of the other rules I just gave you.  Coveting, means wanting to have what someone else has — Envy.  It’s big, ugly, and green, and will overpower you and ruin you.  Kind of like the Incredible Hulk.  Just make do with your own wife and stuff.  Probably you don’t really need all those servants anyway.  Be content, be happy.  When in doubt, call me and I’ll give you some advice.


Love always,


P.S. Do you like my dog food?  IAM’S.  Get it?  Oh, never mind!

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